What I Wish I Had Learned Sooner About Criticism
Criticism is an inevitable part of life, but how we handle it can determine our growth, confidence, and success.
When we don’t handle it well, it replays on a mental loop that keeps us wide awake at 2 a.m. or keeps us from learning and improving.
What I wish someone had taught me sooner: Not all criticism is created equal.
I spent a lot of time ignoring criticism and feedback because:
- I listened to my emotions instead.
- Didn’t realize not everyone had my best interest in mind.
- Didn’t understand the difference between criticism and feedback.
Part of learning to manage my stress while recovering from burnout unexpectedly led to a lesson in learning how to handle criticism, feedback, and advice – whether it was warranted or asked for… or not.
No one loves to hear criticism, no matter how well intentioned it is. We might expect it at times or appreciate it when it’s needed. However, even when it’s constructive, we don’t love hearing how we’ve missed the mark or fallen short.
This doesn’t mean you are being overly sensitive. It means you’re human.
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The Difference Between Criticism and Feedback
Understanding the difference between feedback and criticism is the first step to navigating this tricky terrain.
Criticism often focuses on the negatives or flaws and can be delivered in a judgmental or harsh manner. It can feel like an attack or disapproval.
Feedback is typically constructive, aiming to highlight both strengths and areas for improvement. Its goal is to foster growth and development.
Both can be powerful tools for self-improvement, and both need to be considered before being acted on.
How to Determine if Criticism is Worth Your Time
I also think what’s equally as important as what is being shared is who the criticism or information comes from. This can quickly determine intent, quality, and what to do with the information that’s communicated. Everyone has an opinion, but not all of them matter.
What I mean by this: you need to determine whether the criticism is genuinely helpful, applicable, appropriate, or just meant to be harmful and misleading. Not all criticism deserves the same weight. So, consider the source before reacting.
The four most common sources of criticism and their intentions:
- Haters – These people criticize just to bring you down or manipulate you. Ignoring them is often the best course of action.
- Innocent Critics – Well-meaning individuals who may give unhelpful advice. Take time to assess whether their words hold any value. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t.
- Sweet Talkers – Those who sugarcoat the truth to stay in your good graces. They tell you what they know or think you want to hear. Beware of falling into the trap of seeking constant validation from them.
- Constructive Critics – People who genuinely care about your growth and offer honest feedback, even if it’s blunt. Their words are worth thoughtful consideration.
Most importantly: is this coming from someone you trust?
Filtering Different Types of Critics
How do you know when someone is offering you information that you should act on? This is tough, but there are two tried and true ways to figure out when to listen:
- Ask the Right Questions
When receiving criticism, don’t just accept or reject it outright. Engage the critic with three simple questions:
- What do you think I did right?
- What do you think I did wrong?
- If you were in my position, how would you improve it?
This approach forces the critic to provide balanced feedback rather than just focusing on flaws. It also allows you to gain insights you may not have considered.
- Separate Emotion from Logic
It’s natural to feel defensive when criticized. However, emotional reactions can cloud judgment. Instead of responding immediately, take a step back. Ask yourself:
- Is there truth in this criticism?
- What can I learn from this?
- How can I use this to improve?
Taking a logical approach helps turn even harsh criticism into a learning experience.
Deeper Dive into Separating the Emotion and Ego
This is where I made the most improvement accepting criticism and learning how to use it to make better decisions.
Most emotionally intelligent people know that there’s always room to improve. Someone giving us valid and helpful critiques can help make necessary changes that ensure future success.
Some of us don’t really understand the game of criticism and what to do with it. So, we don’t learn how to handle criticism, and it just sits in our brain as unhelpful and hurtful. It colors our perspective of the person who delivered it and damages our confidence. Over time it may even develop into anger or resentment.
Here’s what I learned about myself: Criticism can quickly surface any doubts I have about myself. It can make me question my competency, abilities, or even my self-worth. I was already sensitive to other’s perceptions of me in these areas as a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, so to be judged meant I had to deal with my own insecurities and shortcomings.
Eeewww.
The part of managing criticism that I had not learned was that I also needed to be “critical” of the knowledge that was shared with me. It was up to me to figure out if the judgement was valid, and if it wasn’t, then learn to ignore it.
For some reason, I thought that I had to take in what people said and not question whether their information was true or not. I totally lacked boundaries.
How to Handle Criticism Without Letting It Shake Your Confidence
Now that you understand the differences between criticism and feedback, know to ask the right questions to clarify what is being shared, question the type of feedback you are receiving, as well as separating your emotions from logic – now let’s talk about how to handle criticism.
Basically, what do you do with it?
- Own Your Mistake – Did you actually screw something up? Unintentionally hurt someone? We all make mistakes, so own yours. Take responsibility, learn from it, and have the necessary conversation. When you take accountability, it inspires more confidence in you and shows others you care.
B. No Mistake to Own – If the criticism wasn’t about a mistake or you didn’t make a mistake, you can handle this one of two ways: stay calm and listen. Even if you don’t agree, letting the other person express their thoughts shows emotional maturity and confidence.
Or, you can stand your ground politely with a response like, “I understand your viewpoint, but I don’t see an issue with how I handled this.”
- Acknowledge the Nature of the Criticism – Distinguish legitimate concerns from false alarm bells. (I gave you some guidelines for this earlier.) Not everyone is out to sabotage our ideas, so make sure you aren’t dismissing valid concerns.
While you might be stung by the criticism, try to see it for what it is. Is your criticizer playing devil’s advocate? Does your critic not fully understand your idea and needs more information? Is there something you overlooked?
- Encourage Honest Feedback – If a colleague or friend gets the impression that you don’t want to hear any bad news or you can’t handle criticism, they will keep it from you. This will be to your detriment. You need to be able to ask for and accept critical feedback from people you trust. So do the inner work that will allow you to do this.
- Let It Go – No need to dwell on your mistakes or failures. Overthinking what you did or what happened magnifies critical feedback into something it probably wasn’t meant to be. So learn what you need to from a mistake and failure, then let it go so you can move on.
- Keep Things in Perspective – You and me – we aren’t perfect. (Gasp!) We make mistakes. We fail. Ooops. We also need to remember that things won’t always go as planned and we are going to face setbacks. Looking at criticism with the perspective that it can offer opportunities for growth will make it easier to accept, address, and get over.
Trust Yourself: The Final Key to Handling Criticism Like a Badass
At the end of the day, you are the best judge of what criticism to accept and what to discard. Some feedback will be invaluable; some will be irrelevant or harmful. Use your intuition and judgment to decide what to act on.
By mastering the art of handling criticism, you empower yourself to grow, learn, and succeed — without letting negativity define your journey. Criticism, when managed wisely, can be one of the greatest tools for personal and professional advancement.
