I like to smile at people who don’t like me.
It’s a trick I learned as a middle child because it irritated my siblings when they were mad at me.
As an adult, it’s still a handy tool to use when I know I should keep my big mouth shut and not risk saying what I really think. My silence and smile send a stronger message.
What I didn’t realize until recently is that mischievous smile is also a sign that I am validating myself. I’m not waiting for external validation or feeling the need to be told I’m right. Yes, this is a sign of confidence, but it’s also a sign of mental strength.
In my coaching practice, I work with a lot of confident women — or rather, women who want to be confident but struggle with self-worth. Stress and anxiety are really good at leading your mind toward self-doubt and negative thinking.
Ready to stop allowing stress to trample your confidence and self-worth? Download my Stress Management for Women Guided Workbook.
But here’s the thing, self-doubt and the need for external validation are learned behaviors. It’s something we pick up in childhood from our family, society, and unrealistic expectations. Then, we spend our adulthood feeling like we have to earn our worth when all we have to do is recognize it.
I’m going to tell you a secret: self-validation is the ultimate power move.
Women Get Bad Advice About Feeling Like They Are Enough
Those nagging feelings of not being enough? Crippling self-doubt? That ridiculous urge to seek validation from others?
It didn’t magically appear. It was installed — like unwanted malware on your computer.
You were never actually unworthy. You were just taught to think you were.
Women have been taught to question and/or find fault in everything we do. We’re told that we should always be working on self-improvement. To figure out what needs to be better, we compare ourselves to other people to figure out what we need to change or what standard we need to live up to. We confirm this by seeking validation, which leads to conflicting messages and an overwhelming number of ideas that make us feel like we’re not enough.
Even worse, the popular advice given to women who question their worth is to “just love yourself.” This advice is worthless because you’ve been programmed to believe you’re not enough, so simply deciding to love yourself is like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.
You don’t need to add self-worth; you need to remove the messaging in your mind that tells you it’s missing, as well as stop exposing yourself to the people who try to reinforce it.
How You Got Brainwashed into Thinking You Suck
You and I weren’t born worrying about productivity levels or if our thighs look fat in leggings.
At some point in your childhood, someone planted the idea that you needed to earn validation and start seeking validation — love, approval, and a seat at the Worthy Human Table. You were taught that good grades made you smart, trophies and awards made you a winner, and beauty made you attractive. Basically, other people’s opinions mattered.
Merely existing was not enough. You needed to be and do something special.
As an adult, these ideas of inadequacy are reinforced with life experiences that challenge your feelings of worth. (Think: your annual performance review at work.) You work and live in environments that constantly judge you and often provide inaccurate negative feedback. (Think: social media.) So, you work harder to prove your competence.
Here’s the Truth: You Were Never Not Awesome
Seriously, you’ve always been awesome.
What you need to learn today is that the journey isn’t about becoming enough — it’s about realizing you already are.
You need to let go of that limiting belief that you need external validation to prove… anything.
The problem with seeking validation is that it’s unreliable. You are waiting for someone to notice and tell you that you are amazing. And the person you are usually waiting to hear it from is someone you probably don’t even like and doesn’t deserve this kind of control over you.
Being someone that relies on external validation reinforces a negative feedback loop that leads to criticism, comparison, and rejection when it’s not available. You turn against yourself in your own mind.
Praise feels good, but when it’s inconsistent or conditional, we internalize the belief that we must constantly prove our worth.
How to Shift Your Mindset from Earning to Owning Your Self-Worth
It’s time to undo the conditioning that makes you doubt yourself and go off seeking validation. Instead of chasing validation, live like you already have it.
There’s nothing to earn and nothing to prove. It’s so much easier to live when you really get this. In fact, you’ll feel an emotional shift toward clarity when you do. (That’s what not trying to guess what other people want or expect does.)
Here are four steps you can take toward validating yourself:
Step 1: Identify the Lies You’ve Been Sold
Ask yourself: Where did I first learn that I wasn’t enough? Was it a parent, a teacher, a toxic relationship, or a capitalist system profiting from your insecurities? (Hint: Probably all of the above.)
Step 2: Stop Measuring Yourself with Broken Yardsticks
Success? Beauty? Productivity? Popularity? These are all shifting, impossible-to-satisfy yardsticks created by people who make money off of or stand to gain something from your self-doubt.
Instead, define your own worth. What makes you feel confident and happy? If you woke up today and didn’t punch anyone in the face, that’s a win. If you did punch someone in the face… we can work on that.
Step 3: Give Yourself the Validation You’ve Been Chasing
Newsflash: You don’t need permission to think you’re awesome. Start treating your own approval like the V.I.P. pass it is.
Step 4: Replace ‘Self-Love’ with ‘Self-Remembrance’
Instead of struggling to love yourself, what if you just remind yourself who you really are? What if you act like someone who already believes they are already enough? Try it. It’s shockingly effective.
You Can Validate Yourself
If you’re reading this thinking: surely it can’t be as simple as telling myself that I am awesome… Yes, it really is.
You just have to decide that you are right and what others think doesn’t matter. Truly believe that seeking validation from others is not worth your time.
Create your own standards and expectations that are anchored with values and priorities that make you feel confident and worthy.
And smile. Smile at someone who thinks you need their feedback or opinion. At the very least, it makes them wonder what you know that they don’t. Which is, of course, that you are enough.
