I would classify myself as a someone with a high-achieving mindset, with occasional bouts of “fuck it, who cares?” (Also known as self-doubt.)
At the moment, I am wrestling with a stretch of “fuck it, who cares?”
I face all the internal (and external) hurdles that my clients face. My expertise doesn’t make me immune to struggles.
Even as someone who has dedicated my career to understanding and managing stress, I still sometimes feel like I’m falling short. It’s incredibly frustrating.
I doubt there is anyone reading this who hasn’t felt the same way. Sometimes it feels like karma messing with me because this is the very thing I coach clients through. Like it’s saying, “Think you know how to wrangle me, Stressy Stressorson? Watch this!”
My Self-Doubt Needs to Be Challenged with Honesty, Not Flowery Quotes
I get really annoyed when I seek advice and am handed what feels like a top ten list of inspirational quotes from Pinterest.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Be fearless, Boss Lady Bitch!”
(Insert eye roll here.)
Advice framed in an inspirational quote tone feel less sincere. It doesn’t seem like the other person was trying to understand my struggles. Is this what they would want to hear from me in the same position?
“I’m sorry you’re on the struggle bus. Stop for gas and just keep tooting your horn, sis.”
I’m a spicy lady and I know that sometimes people just don’t know what to say. But I’m also a person who values honest feedback – even if it’s not good and could lead me to devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Once the initial sting goes away (and it does), this is usually what leads to growth on my end.
Facing My Super Inaccurate Inner Critic
My long history with people pleasing and perfectionism shows that I can easily drown in a sea of comparison and burn myself alive with unrealistic standards and expectations.
Handling perfectionism and self-doubt is a daily battle for women like me who are used to setting high standards.
It’s easy to get tangled in the pressure of comparing ourselves to others, especially when that inner critic whispers, “What the hell is wrong with you? Why aren’t you further along?” or “Look at what others are doing!”
You know, it’s amazing to me how confident my Inner Critic can be, when the outcomes it encourages are the exact opposite of what I want. This tells me it doesn’t do research or really know me at all.
Instead of shutting this voice down, I’m challenging it. I’m giving it a seat at the table, acknowledging it, and saying, “I hear you, but you’re not running my life.”
As a negative thought tries to take over, I ask it three things:
- Can you prove it?
- Why do you think this is what I want?
- What other options did you consider before dedicating yourself to this one?
Realigning My Expectations
Having impossibly high standards negatively affects my motivation. The spiral down seems to happen pretty fast. Then, I’m facing a lot of negative emotions that prevent me from thinking clearly or objectively.
As my feelings of disappointment began to creep in during this current Fuck It Bout, I started writing them down so I could trace them back to what was really bothering me.
What I realized is that the goal (expectation) I had set out to achieve may have been a bit… aggressive.
Not for any lack of effort on my part, but because that’s just the way the type of work I do works. It’s a lot of educated guessing and experimenting, which has lead me to what feels like a lot of trying… then a lot of failing.
As I conduct this reality check, the personal disappointment I’m feeling is making it hard to come up with what to do next.
Finding Lessons in the Lows
The truth is, every time I go through these cycles, I learn something new about myself, about what I expect from life, and, most importantly, about what I don’t need to carry. These moments are tough, but they’re also a reminder that growth isn’t linear, and neither is success.
Recognizing this helps as I work to reframe this mindset of self-doubt.
I keep perusing the internet looking for inspiration stories about people who were in a similar spot. If I could, I would ask them what they did to stay motivated and what obstacle they found that they put in their own way.
Most importantly, I would ask them what the hell I should do next.
