“Excuses are like assholes – everybody’s got one.”
Coming across this quote on my boundary journey was the wake-up call I needed to recognize that I was mistaking “being understanding” for making excuses for other people’s disrespectful behavior.
The frustration, anger, or resentment I was feeling toward some people were signs that I was tired of being understanding and forgiving.
For years, I choked down disappointment and discomfort because I wanted to be liked. I didn’t want to be the person who was seen as difficult or complicated to be around.
I would say things were “fine” because I didn’t think something was a big enough deal to make an issue of it or I didn’t want to make someone feel bad. It’s true, some things weren’t a major issue, but enough of these small things eventually built up into a giant, toxic tumor.
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Here’s a simple example of how my bitterness grew:
A friend would show up late once. I wouldn’t think much of it. I’d tell myself there was traffic/kids/stress/etc..
That same friend would show up late repeatedly. I would think they’re busy/overwhelmed/they think I am important enough to at least squeeze in.
At some point, that friend would acknowledge their consistent tardiness and I would just brush it off with a joke or an excuse. But, inside, I am seething and feeling totally disrespected. I know they aren’t going to change.
What this develops into is a harmful pattern. A harmful pattern is anything that’s done by someone close to you that’s avoidable, but doesn’t seem to change. Even worse, they put little to no effort in to improvement.
In plain speak: I was making excuses for their excuses.
I was also inviting a lot of unnecessary drama into my life.
Many People See Understanding and Excuses as the Same Thing
In a perfect world, people would show up on time, not cancel plans at the last minute, and not make excuses for shitty behavior.
But, here we are in this imperfect world that seems to challenge us at every turn.
When you are being a truly understanding person, there is a valid explanation that describes how something happened. It allows for responsibility to be acknowledged, and the situation to be explored and understood so that it isn’t repeated.
When you are making excuses, you defer accountability and deny responsibility. Excuses are made when we fear a negative response or feel defensive.
Why would you – the person who is trying to be the comforting, understanding party – feel defensive?
Because you are trying to avoid conflict. Conflict can be negative reactions, stirring the pot, not wanting to seem difficult or like a jerk, you don’t want to let someone down, or not wanting to make the other person feel bad. Sometimes it’s as simple as you don’t have time to deal with the offense.
You don’t want to have to explain your own feelings because it might expose a lack of empathy.
But here’s the thing – many of us get to a point where we have choked down our real feelings for so long that we actually stop giving a shit. You have shoveled so much disappointment and avoided hurting feelings to the point you feel entirely disconnected from yourself and your needs seem to be invisible to others.
This mean your well is empty. It has been deprived of self-respect and the respect of others.
Making Excuses for Others Is Self-Deception
Making excuses for others is a form of self-deception because you are distorting reality to avoid facing the truth and being uncomfortable. When you make excuses for someone else’s behavior, especially when it violates your boundaries, you are essentially telling yourself a story that justifies or minimizes their actions.
You are lying to yourself about the nature of your relationships and interactions.
While this may be helpful in the moment, it’s destructive in the long run.
Over time making excuses for others makes you believe you are:
- Overly sensitive
- Unreasonable
- Not worthy of respect
- Creating a distorted self-image
Imagine your personal boundaries as a cookie jar. Every time you make an excuse for someone, it’s like letting them sneak a cookie. Eventually, you are left with an empty jar.
Why allow someone else to eat all of your delicious cookies?
Another way to think about it: when you are trying to be so “nice” all of the time, you really aren’t sharing your authentic self.
Signs You Are Too Understanding and Being an Excuse-Making Machine
Maybe you are reading this thinking, “Some people are just going to be who they are. I just have to deal with it.” But, do you?
Signs you are contributing to harmful patterns and what to do about it:
- Your needs are never met. You have noticed that your goals aren’t being reached, or that people rarely make sacrifices to help you out. Being too understanding trains people to let you down because they know you won’t call them out on it.
What to do about it: Be honest about your needs and feelings. When someone’s chronic tardiness is impacting your relationship, your ability to complete a task, or making you feel disrespected – tell them. Tell them specifically what you need from them instead.
- You feel resentment. If you constantly say yes or look the other way when someone takes advantage of you, resentment will build. Feeling resentful is an energy sucker because it causes you so much internal stress and strife.
What to do about it: Say no to people and situations that don’t appreciate your time or energy. If you’re nervous, respond via text with “No, I can’t do that” and then throw your phone across the room before you are tempted to make an excuse.
- You worry about being liked or seen as “cool” or easy-going. When you introduce conflict or disagreement, you think people will see you as being difficult. You’ll go to extremes to make excuses for behavior that is harmful so that you can avoid the reality of your own truth.
What to do about it: Realize that not everyone is going to like you, everything you say and do, and that there are some people who just aren’t for you. And, you know what? That’s okay!
- You’re constantly overwhelmed. You have become known to others as the person “who doesn’t mind” if you’re asked to do countless favors, taking on extra work, or putting in the extra effort when someone else doesn’t show up.
What to do about it: Recognize the responsible thing to do is to say no.
- People say rude things to you all the time. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve repeatedly told people that if you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me. The context being, that sometimes I love to be snarky and gossip. However, sometimes people can take that too far. They seem to think their negative attitude and toxic mindset should be shared with you no matter what.
What to do about it: Stop them before they start. Remind them about your boundaries and that their consistent negative outpouring has become too much. Give specific examples of what is and isn’t okay.
