If you woke up today thinking, “I am not enough” – you aren’t alone.
If you go through your day feeling like you can’t do anything right and you suck at everything – you aren’t alone.
If you have spent quite a bit of time pondering “what the hell is wrong with me?” – you still aren’t alone.
How do I know? Because I have and still do occasionally utter these phrases.
When you are burned out and stressed out, it’s tough to feel your best. Join my community to find motivation to be a better version of you.
Instead of blowing sunshine up your behind, I’d rather hold your hand while taking a walk down “Inadequacy Lane.” If something happens to blow up your caboose along the way, even better.
In my opinion – as your friend that tells it like it is – it is better to tackle your feelings of inadequacy directly. I’m sure there are plenty of people around you that sugar-coat or dismiss your feelings. Has that made you feel any better?
I didn’t think so.
Why You Battle Daily Feelings of Not Being Enough
You and I wake up with feelings of inadequacy because there is something inside of us punishing our self-worth and self-esteem. These feelings of inadequacy actually have nothing to do with our actual performance, ability, or any measure of ability or competence.
These feelings actually stem from a buried and hidden assumption about the world, others, and yourself that you are mistaking as fact. These have also been called “limiting beliefs.”
At some point in your life, you experienced a trauma that translated into a negative belief about yourself. You compensate for this on a conscious level by criticizing your ability and/or setting unrealistic expectations.
You still with me?
Okay, good.
These feelings of inadequacy translate into behavior like:
- Being overly responsible
- Self-blame and self-judgment
- Being overly defensive
- Blaming others
- Being passive-aggressive
Every time you utter the words “I am not good enough” in some form, it perpetuates a destructive cycle that makes things worse. It’s a cycle that drags you down, keeps you from achieving your goals, and all but assures that happiness won’t cross the street to greet you.
While on a certain level you can’t help these feelings of not being good enough, they are feelings that turn into self-defeating behavior and are considered self-sabotage.
All of this contributes to high levels of stress and burnout.
Tackling Negative Core Beliefs
It’s only natural that you have occasional feelings of inadequacy. Life happens. People say and do mean things. And, you can’t help but question your ability when you fail. (And, by the way, we all fail at stuff.)
The problem for many is that the words “I am not enough” plague them day in and day out. There is a core belief that is rotting you from the inside out. You have convinced your unconscious that this limiting belief is the truth, so your unconscious will do anything it can to validate this core belief – even if it breaks you.
What sucks, is that this core belief is so strong, that you find yourself failing in spite of your desire to succeed. Because you don’t understand why you keep sabotaging yourself, you don’t live up to your expectations, which only strengthens your belief that you aren’t good enough.
So how do you change this dysfunctional story?
You need to identify it first.
As I mentioned earlier, this belief is usually buried and hidden. What shows up at the surface – the negative mindset and the undermining phrases like “I can never get it right” – are merely the signals that there is a fire below deck.
Start noting in a journal (or anywhere that’s convenient) the following:
- When you have or say a negative thought. For example, when you think “It’s all my fault” or “I’m such a klutz.”
- What was happening or what were you doing at the moment this thought occurred? Basically, you are looking for the trigger.
- Why did you choose these particular negative words?
- Who was with you? Who were you working for or looking to please?
Look for a Pattern
After you have collected these moments of inadequacy, take some time to reflect on them. Look for a pattern and commonalities between the situations.
Then, start asking yourself questions.
- Why does this particular situation make me feel less than?
- Can you recall one of the first times you remember feeling this way?
- Does someone else trigger a memory or a thought with their own negative comments?
- Are my expectations of myself and others realistic?
- Why do I feel like I have to do this thing that makes me feel bad about myself?
You and I are often quick to dismiss our thoughts as fleeting or not having much of an impact. But, this is where we are wrong. They are often a pattern that has turned into a habit that solidifies a negative belief about ourselves. So, we gloss over our own feelings or choke them down.
There are a million reasons you and I wake up with the thought, “I am not enough.” But some common reasons to explore:
- You have hidden core beliefs that are running the show: Feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth are often connected to buried and hidden assumptions about the world, others, and ourselves that we mistake as fact. These can also be referred to as limiting beliefs.
- Your inner voice is critical and judgmental: Take time to properly listen to the thoughts that run through your head. You might be surprised by the negativity and painful things that are being said. In fact, you wouldn’t say any of these things to anyone you love.
- You surround yourself with critical, negative people: What do you and your friends or colleagues that you spend the most time with talk about? If you aren’t spending time lifting each other up and helping each other win, it may be time to reconsider these relationships. It’s hard enough tamping out our own negative thoughts, but it’s next to impossible when the people you spend the most time with feed into that toxicity.
- You have perfectionist tendencies: Perfectionism can develop in multiple ways, but at the core of it are feelings of “I am not good enough.”
- You are a people pleaser: People pleasers misread others and feel as though they need to prove their worth or value to others. They feel responsible when others aren’t happy and go above and beyond to fix another’s happiness while ignoring their own needs.
It’s Not About the Thoughts, It’s What You Do About Them
It would be careless and unrealistic for me to tell you that you can eliminate thoughts and feelings of inadequacy forever. So, it’s not so much that you have them – it’s what you do about them.
It’s important to cultivate emotional regulating skills that help you manage these feelings so you can move on and stop sabotaging yourself. Learn how to identify these thoughts and the behavior they inspire so you can turn them into useful energy.
Strategies to consider:
- Check your expectations and ideals: Do you have realistic expectations of yourself and those around you? If you are constantly falling short, it’s time to examine them and adjust accordingly.
- Build a growth mindset: A growth mindset is when you believe you have the ability to grow and improve. A growth mindset helps you overcome difficult and stressful situations. You know you can improve, so you put more effort into improving yourself.
- Practice self-compassion: No matter how good or competent you are, we all need and value self-kindness. Train your inner voice to say words of encouragement. It’s okay if you need to place post-it notes around as reminders.
- Focus on your strengths: We are all good at something. By finding your strengths and capitalizing on them, you focus your attention on what you are good at and makes you stronger, rather than your weaknesses.
- Build skills and expertise: If you put in the time and energy to learn more or practice your skills, you will feel more capable and confident. Remember, everyone has to start somewhere if you are just beginning to learn a new skill or information.
- Ask for help: If you don’t feel capable or you are questioning your ability, ask someone who can either teach you what you don’t know or feel you lack. It’s also helpful just to have someone encourage you.
BONUS STORY: I Felt Like I Sucked at Running A Business
I spent many days, weeks, months, and years feeling like the world’s most incompetent business owner.
There were many things that made me wake up thinking I sucked at my job:
- I didn’t have a business degree.
- I didn’t make money as fast or become profitable as quickly as I wouldn’t have liked or others did.
- I hated managing employees, so I thought something was wrong with me.
- I didn’t enjoy owning a business.
- I thought I was “doing it wrong” because I was stressed out all of the time…
I could go on, but I think you get the point.
There were many moments when these thoughts nearly drove me to quit and shut my business down.
My A-Ha Moment came 8 years into business ownership. 8 years! That’s a long time to wait for an epiphany.
A friend of mine suggested we take the CliftonStrengths assessment. The assessment analyzes the answers to 177 questions, then identifies your strengths and weaknesses. It helps you recognize your natural talents.
The results help you focus on what is right with you, rather than what is wrong.
I realized quickly that I spent most of my time focusing on my mistakes, my weaknesses, and what I couldn’t do. Because I spent a lot of time thinking “I can’t,” I believed that I shouldn’t own a business and that I wasn’t good at it.
At the time, I was owned two successful businesses. It was pointed out to me that it’s tough to own and run a successful business if you aren’t good at something. I was good at customer service, marketing, and so many other things. I wasn’t good at managing employees or bookkeeping – two places I spent most of my time.
Over time, my confidence soared when I delegated the work I sucked at and instead focused on the work I was best at.
The core belief or the limiting belief that I challenged is that a business owner should know how to and be good at everything their business needs.
I replaced this belief with a new understanding of what it actually means to delegate, building trust in others, and learning how to manage my expectations.
Long story short: I didn’t suck at running a business, I sucked at focusing on my natural strengths and talents.
