As a people pleaser, I have spent what could be considered an unhealthy amount of time doing things out of obligation.
I dreaded saying no more than I resented saying yes.
The fear of disappointing someone or missing out on something drove my inability to say no.
Worse, the negative feelings like resentment, anger and burden, consumed me.
At the height of my burnout, I knew this was a problem, but I continued to feel obligated to say yes to commitments, work, and relationships that were unhealthy and/or not in alignment with what I actually needed.
Join a community where you aren’t obligated to do anything but be yourself.
The complicated web of responsibility and obligation that I built was overwhelming and suffocating.
I would love to say there was some grand epiphany that motivated me to change, but I noticed that the more I began to respect myself, my time, and my energy, the less pressure I felt to keep doing things “because I had to.”
Now, my mother can guilt and pressure me all she wants, but I’ve gotten a lot better at saying “no.” (Notice I didn’t say easier. There are some people who it will never be easy to say “no” to.)
Obligation Overload
Obligation Overload sounds like the title of a horror movie to me, but it’s actually the real-life sequel to “Being an Adult: Why Did I Sign Up for This?”
Obligation Overload is when your calendar and to-do list are so jam-packed with commitments that you don’t have a moment to breathe. You’re living in a pressure cooker and you spend your days living by other people’s rules.
It comes from a vicious cycle of saying yes, getting overwhelmed, not enjoying anything, and then saying yes again out of guilt or fear of missing out. You say yes to things you don’t want to do, don’t like to do, or spend time with people that you don’t really like.
Sometimes these unwanted commitments are things you didn’t even sign up for – they are assigned to you or expected of you.
The outcome of obligation overload are sky-high stress levels, burnout, feelings of anger and resentment, and an inability to reach your own goals.
Literally, there is no upside to this people pleasing behavior.
Identifying Your Time-Sucking Obligations
I think most of us are able to identify things we do out of obligation.
However, I think there are a lot of things on our plates that started out as motivation shifted to an obligation.
You know something aligns as more of an obligation when you feel pressured to do it. (That pressure can solely come from you or an external source.) While some of these obligations can feel necessary – and they truly may be – you need to be able to identify when something has turned into dreaded duty.
Often, our language gives it away. We tend to refer to obligations using the phrase “have to.”
I have to go to the gym.
I have to bake cookies for my kid’s bake sale.
I have to tolerate Jane when I really can’t stand her.
We use words that reflect our perspective. So, if we feel obligated to do something, it comes out in how we talk about it.
Other ways to identify when something is an obligation:
- The Sigh Test – If the mere thought of doing something makes you sigh, rather than sound like you are excited or motivated.
- The Excuse Generator – You spend more time crafting the perfect excuse to get out of doing it than actually doing it.
- Eyes on the Clock – You count down the minutes until you’re free from doing something or spending time with someone.
- Guilt Trip – You feel like you “should” do something.
Why You Feel Obligation
The behavior of doing something you don’t want to do or spending time with someone you don’t really want to, is more common in women. And there are innumerable reasons why we do it:
- Desire to be agreeable and liked.
- Don’t want to appear selfish.
- Don’t want to disappoint anyone.
- Want something done our way or no way.
- Don’t want to miss out
- Want to appear in demand.
People Pleasers have a lot of internalized self-talk and limiting beliefs that drive their behavior. But, they basically come down to two things: guilt and fear.
It takes a lot of self-awareness to catch yourself in action and create change. But, if you can understand your motives, it can help you identify your reason and behavior.
Often an obligation shows up to conflicting emotions that are hard to decipher. The most common scenarios:
- Guilt vs. Excitement – Do you feel guilty if you say no? Or, excited if you say yes? Guilt is a red flag and a signal to pause before you commit. Guilt is often misdirected, so get to the root of it to determine if there are grounds for feeling that way.
Excitement is the body’s response to something that feels good. So, if it’s a good fit, it’s okay to agree to the request.
- Fear vs. Desire – Many times you feel pressured to perform by an external source, so you could likely be agreeing to something out of fear of not meeting someone’s expectations. On the other hand, you may feel a desire to do something because you see it as an opportunity or a stepping-stone to something better.
It’s A Process
Removing an obligation from your life isn’t a singular action. It’s a process that takes time and conscious effort.
Unfortunately, you feel a lot of resistance along the way and most of that resistance comes from you. Sure, other people may say something, but you are usually the barrier to getting rid of obligation.
There is a simple recipe that you can use to make your days better and more fulfilling: Spend your time in a way that aligns with your priorities.
But simple doesn’t always mean easy or free from discomfort. Removing low-priority activities from your life will always come with a tinge of discomfort, but it is temporary.
Here are five steps to removing unwanted, existing obligations:
Step 1: Identify the obligation and why you no longer want to do it.
Don’t make this a long, drawn-out process. Valid reasoning can literally be “I don’t wanna” or “I don’t feel like it.”
If an obligation is taking up more time and energy than it deserves based on it’s priority in your life, it’s time to let it go.
The reason I encourage you to identify a specific reason is that it can provide motivation to move forward. For example, the reason I dropped out of private Pilates lessons was because the money was better spent on a writing class for a book I desperately wanted to write. Keeping that in mind as I cancelled those lessons made me skip over those doubts and pangs of guilt.
Step 2: Give yourself permission.
You may say that you want to say “no” more often, but this desire alone won’t make changes. Do you truly believe you have the right to say “no”? If you don’t believe that you do, it will be hard to change your behavior. You need to know that you deserve to say “no” and that you truly value and respect your own time and energy.
Step 3: Remind yourself of the reward.
Whatever the reason for giving up an obligation, there is a reward for doing so. The reward can be a powerful motivation to stick with your plan. The reward could be:
- Freeing up time for an exciting opportunity or activity.
- Financial benefit.
- Getting rid of a negative emotional trigger so you can focus on positive vibes.
Step 4: Write a script and deliver it.
The biggest problem most people have with boundaries, is they don’t know what to say. So, write it down ahead of time if this is something that needs to be done face-to-face.
Whatever you decide to say, make it brief, clear, firm, and friendly. Also, it’s important to give a deadline of when you expect something to end.
Let me remind you that you can still be a kind person and say no.
Here are three simple script examples:
- “While I appreciate the opportunity, I am unable to continue doing _____ . My last day will be ______.”
- “I have enjoyed being a part of _____, but I can no longer attend. Thank you for including me!”
- “I’m sorry, but _______ is no longer a fit. I appreciate your time and the opportunity to _______.”
Notice none of them are long-winded or filled with excuses.
Step 5: Keep moving.
You did it! You said no! While it’s tempting to keep thinking about hurt feelings or disappointment, keep your positive trajectory going by moving on without replaying the situation over in your mind. This will also keep you from second-guessing yourself or changing your mind.
What to Do When Met with Resistance or Disappointment
There are going to be people who are unhappy about your decision to not do something or spend time with someone. These are the same people who have benefited from you not having boundaries.
You have essentially been living by their rules and now they feel a sense of rejection or inconvenienced. (Usually, it’s inconvenienced.)
The truth: a lot of people make others take responsibility for their feelings. They want you to prevent them from feeling uncomfortable, disappointed, or embarrassed.
Other people’s feelings are not your responsibility.
Boundaries are not judgements, punishments, or disloyal. They are basic values you identify for yourself that define the behaviors that you will tolerate from yourself and others. They are about you. No matter how hard other people try to make them about them, your boundaries are about your needs.
What’s frustrating is we have no control over how other people think, feel, or behave. So, when someone doesn’t like your boundaries and violates them, you have to let them know. Calmly let them know what they did or said isn’t okay. If they continue to violate your boundaries, you have to enforce the consequences and recognize this other person may never change.
While this is painful, you deserve respect and to exclude people who don’t show it.
