“My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don’t know if I am even kidding anymore,” a client said to me.
She has been feeling lost, regretful, and out of touch with herself. As she nears her 50th birthday, my client realized that she has not been playing an active role in her life. “Things just happen and I’m like, ‘Oh, is this what we’re doing now? Okay.’”
While my client may be exhausted and struggling with chronic stress, she’s also in the midst of an identity crisis.
You know that moment when you realize you have no idea who you are, the moment someone asks you to tell them about yourself. You immediately think, “Oh shit! Who am I?” So, you quickly make up an answer and describe someone you read about – obviously leaving out the unbelievable parts like meditating exercising every morning.
Nearly every woman I know has experienced an identity crisis at some point. Girls and women are told at nearly every stage in their lives that we’re supposed to lose our identity to our children, spouses, jobs… everybody else’s needs.
Feeling Lost in Your Own Life? Download this Who Am I Self-Discovery Quiz
You’ve spent most of your time being malleable, flexible, and accommodating. You’re the emotional “glue” that keeps yourself and everyone else together. You’re the one who “just handles it” and the go-to problem-solver.
People have been telling you who they want you to be for who knows how long.
Most of us don’t even realize what happened until we are too tired to give a shit anymore.
The Subtle Signs You’ve Lost Yourself
As a teenager, it was way easier and cooler to have an identity crisis. You could drastically change your clothes, make-up, hairstyle, and add new slang to your vocabulary without the people who love you wondering if it was time to commit you.
As an adult, an identity crisis is tricky. Chronic stress, age, and responsibilities don’t exactly make it easy to “find yourself” between loading the dishwasher and solving everyone else’s problems. So, dyeing your hair purple and moving to Bali isn’t always on the table. (Though this does sound tempting on particularly chaotic Tuesdays.)
The signs you’ve hit your adulthood identity crisis:
- Feeling suffocated in your current life/role
- Loss of purpose
- Constantly shifting values
- Dependence on external validation
- Feelings of insecurity or lack of confidence
- Question your self-worth
- Difficulty making decisions
- Your ‘Give a Damn Busts’
And, you ask yourself almost daily, “How the hell did I even get here?”
Why You’re Here: The Survival Mode Identity Trap
I think our identity crisis happens because we get tired of pretending. Often, we’re working toward someone else’s goals or version of success – which is incredibly stressful. You have to work harder because skills or knowledge may not come as naturally, you’re not truly interested in the work, and it’s hard to stay motivated because you can’t help but question your purpose in life.
Then, the feelings of being unfulfilled led you resentful.
Maybe you have tried new hobbies and finding a new social circle. Yet, you found it hard to stay motivated. It’s fun to try new things, but then you reach a point where the “real work” sets in and you still have to figure out what you want next.
You have also been living in “survival mode.” You got used to having every second of your day filled with fulfilling other people’s needs. Not stopping or making time for your own thoughts makes it easy to lose sight of your own wishes, dreams, and desires. Your brain has paved over the path to these ideas because you stopped using it.
Self-sacrificing messages are now deeply ingrained.
No, This Isn’t About Quitting Your Life (Unless You Want To)
Rebuilding your sense of self requires you to find a new baseline of what makes you – you.
There isn’t going to be a single break-through moment. This will be a continuous journey of reflection, growth, and taking intentional action. You’ll face some discomfort, need to challenge your limiting beliefs, and let go of who other people think you should be.
With my clients we do this using various tools like:
- “Who Am I?” Self-Discovery Quiz
- A CliftonStrengths assessment to determine natural strengths and talents.
- Assessing how you spend time and figuring out what they do and don’t like about it.
- Examining relationships and how they affect you positively or negatively.
- Making a wish list of experiences and ideas.
- Listing qualities and values you admire.
- Getting clear on what really matters to you.
- Silencing your negative self-talk.
One of the biggest points I emphasize: lose the pressure and expectations. These ruin all of the fun and freedom.
Rebuilding You Starts with One Brave Step
Here’s the deal: you don’t have to burn your life down to rediscover who you are. (Unless you want to — in which case, call me first and I’ll bring the marshmallows.)
You just need to start small.
Start with curiosity instead of pressure. You’re not creating a new you — you’re excavating the original one, buried under years of obligations, expectations, and emotional labor.
Try these next steps:
- Schedule a “Me-Date.” One hour, no errands. Just do something you want to do. Wander a bookstore. Sit at a café and people-watch. Go for a walk and blast your favorite music.
- Say no to one thing this week that doesn’t align with your values. (And no, you don’t have to give a reason. In fact it’s better if you don’t.)
- Pick one “someday” activity you’ve always wanted to try — and take the first baby step. This could be researching what tools or skills you need, making an appointment, or asking a friend for support.
You don’t need a five-year plan right now. You need space to breathe, to wonder, and to remember what lights you up.
The Point Isn’t to Be Perfect — It’s to Be You
This isn’t about fixing yourself. You’re not broken. You’re buried.
And the best part? The version of you under all that mess? She’s still there. Waiting patiently. Probably rolling her eyes at all the crap you’ve put up with.
So go find her.
Start where you are. Use what you have. Rebuild who you are — on your terms this time.
