This post is dedicated to the Sandwich Generation Women, those of us in midlife shouldering our own and everyone else’s responsibilities.
Women have been fed a lot of bullshit ideas throughout our lives, but the concept of “work-life balance” is the worst. Work-life balance is a myth.
It is almost always mentioned in tandem with the idea that you can “have it all,” when you’re likely already doing it all anyway.
You and I have been gaslit to believe this actually a thing we could do, let alone something we should do to drive ourselves absolutely nuts trying to master.
Now, as women in our midlife, we’re left feeling exhausted, lost, and like you’re never enough.
Midlife Stress for Women and Why You Could Explode at Any Moment
If you’re a woman between the ages of 35-55 (also known as midlife), there is a reason you find these non-sensical, elusive societal achievements impossible.
You are searching for balance during a period of your life with “multiple co-occurring stressors while coping with the loses and transitions. Some in the context of limited resources.”
Translated: Midlife for women is a 20-year period of hell with never-ending stressful events and challenges. You have competing demands of work and family, caring for aging parents, relationships that transition (divorce or loss of a friendship), building your career, rediscovering yourself, financial worries of both raising children and saving for retirement, long-standing misogynist societal standards…
The list is so, so, so long. And, I didn’t even mention extreme hormonal fluctuations women experience during this period in their life!
Basically, women are told to and lead to believe they can find balance during a period of their lives when everything in their lives goes through the most change and upheaval.
At any given time, you could find yourself dealing with “multiple co-occurring stressors” in combinations like:
- Demands of current job + spouse’s unemployment + your own serious health issue + no one leaving you alone in the bathroom for more than 2 minutes.
- Raising a mouthy and hormonal teenager + managing a partner’s health issues + household maintenance + grieving a parent’s death.
- Caring for a stubborn parent + lack of social support + financial strain of child’s college expenses + divorce.
The combinations and possibilities are endless, because it’s never just one thing.
As If the Term ‘Midlife’ Isn’t Painful Enough to Process
Women between the ages of 35-55 are exhausted.
(Duh.)
We are part of what is called the “Sandwich Generation.” This is defined as midlife women balancing the competing demands of work and family, with the addition of caring responsibilities for their parents.
It’s hardly a tasty sandwich.
It’s also an age of transition:
- Biological transition from bearing children to menopause. (We experience a massive hormonal fluctuation throughout this time.)
- Developmental transitions related to aging/emerging self and building a career and meaningful life.
- Situational transitions such as divorce, taking on caregiving responsibilities for parents, or launching children.
- Financial transitions from raising children to preparing for retirement.
Because challenges and stressors change from year to year, it shouldn’t be a surprise that women describe feeling disorganized and unsettled during this period.
Dare I mention the “wear and tear” you’re experiencing because you are exposed to chronic and repeated stress for 20 years? There’s a reason that heart disease is the number one killer of women.
I’m Right There with Ya
I’m 48 and experiencing this tumultuous 20-year crunch.
My current multiple co-occurring stressors: perimenopause, building a new business while retiring from another, taking care of an aging parent with multiple health problems, the financial stress of nearing retirement while still trying to enjoy my life, the loneliness of working from home, and worrying about my bodily autonomy (making my own healthcare decisions) being stripped from me.
Along the way to my late 40s, I’ve often felt lost. I didn’t make a lot of traditional choices many of my female friends made. I married later in life (age 38), didn’t have kids (thank goodness), and chose a less stable career path (entrepreneurship.) I had trouble connecting with other women because my choices seemed “unrelatable” or even privileged.
I consider myself very lucky – which means you can also add “struggling with guilt” to the list.
My health, as well as my husband’s is good, we are financially stable, we own our home, have 4 high-maintenance rescue dogs to run our lives, and I have a sense of humor that keeps me sane.
While you and I can play the gratitude game all day long, there is always that looming threat of an additional high-stress responsibility we’ll need to take on. Some of it is the inevitability of life, while much of it comes from unrealistic societal expectations of being a woman.
This All Feels Like a Trap, but You’re Not Stuck
As a stress management expert, I’ve learned that one of the most powerful stress relievers is the power of choice.
Many women feel like they don’t have any or many choices and are stuck with the cards they’ve been dealt. In some cases, yes, you are “stuck” with a disability, a bad haircut, or raising children on your own.
What I’ve noticed is that a lot of us feel like choices are what men have the honor of making and boundaries are for everyone else.
The ideas of saying no, making decisions based on what is best for you, or the reality of other people’s hurt feelings or disappointment are theirs to manage, were all choices often removed from our reach as little girls. So, now as adults, those (now) limiting beliefs amplify the effects of the relentless, heavy responsibilities women have to shoulder leaving so many of us feeling trapped.
You do have a choice. Lots of them. You have the choice to:
- Work toward more sane and realistic goals than work-life balance or having it all.
- Focus on what’s best for you.
- Say no and employ boundaries when the world feels like it is caving in on you.
- Tell people to fuck off if they can’t respect you or your choices.
One More Thing (See? It’s Never Just One Thing…)
Women need connection. There is a ton of research that shows women lower their stress by making time for friends and a social life. A loss of connection is what makes many of us feel lost and isolated.
As we get older, our social connections dwindle largely because we are so busy with our multiple co-occurring stressors. (Can you tell I love that term and will find every way possible to say it dripping with sarcasm?) We don’t make time for happy hours or dinner with friends because we don’t think we have the space in our schedule or the emotional bandwidth to facilitate.
This is where women are wrong. It’s an important choice we need to make for our own long-term mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
So, find the time to on a regular basis to play and laugh with your friends.
