I think one of the most embarrassing characteristics that I can reveal about myself is that I used to be a major, massive complainer. Nothing anyone did was ever good enough and, of course, they were always wrong because I was always right.
I was a terrible listener. I didn’t take feedback, and was not open to new ideas.
Looking back, if I was breathing, I was probably complaining.
Here’s what I didn’t realize about all of this complaining:
- I was slowing damaging and choking off relationships.
- I was reliving the stress and trauma over and over again. Therefore, creating more stress and trauma.
- I had earned a reputation of being close-minded and whiney.
- It was causing me to miss out on opportunities because I was too busy complaining to see anything else going on around me.
I didn’t recognize my complaining as a problem until I was burned out and literally was having chest pains while complaining about something for the 20th time.
Seriously, if you knew me at that time in my life, how the heck were you tolerating me?
(If I ran you off, please know I am sorry and I would like to be friends again.)
Does Your Complaining Reflect a Deeper Unhappiness with Yourself?
I think so.
Complaining is rooted in fear, blame and judgement. A fear of losing something, not being good enough, missing out, rejection, not being loved, being alone, misunderstood, not being seen, not being heard or understood.
Like me, when you think about complaining, you are typically referencing the activity, opinion, or choices of someone else. You lost a client to a competitor that you worked long and hard to attract.
Your disappointment comes out in the form of complaining that your team didn’t try hard enough, the competitor’s work isn’t as good as yours, or that this client must be stupid.
At the core of that complaining is a fear of what losing business could mean for your company, how this might reflect your work or ability, or even considering that your personality makes you difficult to work with.
But, deflecting the blame away from yourself through complaining allows you to avoid dealing with your own personal feelings or inadequacies. In fact, complaining validates the way you want to feel or be perceived by others.
In this case, what your complaining did, was help you avoid looking at how you may have contributed to losing out on a new client.
A cornerstone of complaining is blaming and judging others. A complainer is only able to see things from their point of view and are not open to new ideas. They believe they are 100% right and everyone else is wrong. Complainers want you to join in the protest to not only validate their feelings and opinions, but to avoid feeling lonely on their sinking ship.
What Does Your Habit of Complaining Trace Back to?
Understanding how my complaining could be traced back to a deeper unhappiness with myself and my fears was startling.
It was an ugliness about myself that I found nearly impossible to accept.
From every angle, as I took an honest look at my behavior, I was the common problem in the narrative of my life.
Looking back to the deepest throes of my experience with burnout, my complaining was at an all-time high. Everything was everyone else’s fault. I had lost control and disempowered myself by refusing to take responsibility for my own happiness or contributions I made to bad outcomes.
Now, this all makes sense.
Complaining is a natural by-product of the burnout experience. People experiencing burnout typically want to blame others for their stress and negative outcomes. When your brain is swimming in negativity, you deny yourself the opportunity to think clearly or make better decisions.
If you take a step back and think about your own life, think about all of the problems, difficulties, and frustrations you face – what role are you playing in each of them?
Be honest and take ownership.
This doesn’t mean everything is your fault. It means you realize that only you control your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You make the decisions on how you feel and think. Furthermore, you let go of the idea that you can control the thoughts, feelings, and behavior of anyone else.
The sign that you are taking responsibility? You begin to feel a weight lifted and a sense of freedom.
Complaining Rewires Your Brain and Fuels Burnout
Complaining is also a major source of stress and keeps you in a minor state of irritation. When you complain, you relive your pain, stress, and trauma all over again. If you are complaining to multiple people about the same thing, retelling those details over and over again drives your stress levels through the roof.
Here’s a major problem with complaining: it rewires your brain for negativity and makes future complaining more likely. Over time, it becomes default behavior because you find it’s easier to be negative than positive – no matter what is happening around you. You become that “friend” who is always complaining.
You put yourself in a position to experience chronic stress – the very definition of burnout.
Our brains are lazy and don’t want to work any harder than they absolutely have to. When you repeat certain behaviors – like complaining – your neurons branch out to make information easily transferable. It becomes easier for your brain to process negative thoughts. This also increases the amount of complaining you will do. This negativity also damages the areas of our brain responsible for problem solving and memory.
The good news? You can build positive thoughts and habits the same way you build negative ones. Your brain will fight you because this means it has to work. Be sure you pay back it’s hard work with some rest.
Complaining increases your stress levels because it also releases stress hormones. It triggers our fight-or-flight response. Repeated complaining results in higher and higher levels of stress hormones being produced and released.
Your Goal: Learn How to Vent
Part of the burnout recovery experience is becoming aware of your complaining so that you can move towards venting instead.
Becoming a venter allows your negative thoughts and feelings to move through you instead of sticking around to create more internal conflict.
What’s the difference?
How can you tell the difference?
A complainer:
- Shares out of anger or with an intent to harm.
- They believe they are 100% right and are not open to other ideas.
- They don’t take responsibility for their feelings or actions.
- They criticize with frequency.
- Wants you to participate and support their point of view.
Someone is venting when they:
- Are simply sharing their feelings or opinions. They aren’t tied to them.
- Aren’t trying to convince the listener they are right.
- Need to verbally process their thoughts to uncover a solution.
- Own up to their mistakes.
- Happens infrequently and usually follows an internal struggle about something.
What’s A Complainer to Do?
Learn how to vent. Venting is a path to healing that allows you to feel a sense of peace afterward, as well as, moving on toward a solution or decision. Complaining only continues the conflict.
Venting still allows you to share your feelings, while being respectful of the listener. Get your intense feelings out by punching or screaming into a pillow. The pillow won’t mind.
If you want to do more venting than complaining, here are some tips:
- Before you unleash your fury, count to 10 and back again. And then, maybe, again. This gives your mind time to cool off and think about what you want to say.
- Take a walk. It doesn’t even have to be a long one. Give yourself a moment to put your anger or frustration into perspective. Breathing in some fresh air or putting yourself in a different environment will help interrupt your stress response.
- Pick your battles. Only complain when it serves a purpose – not every other second. Try to stick to the facts, know what you want, and how you can make it happens. Being selective about your complaining will help lower your drive to complain, but will also help raise your mood.
Complaining and Venting Both Serve A Purpose
Let’s be honest with ourselves – we experience a tingle of joy when we complain with others and say what shouldn’t be said. Your boss is stupid, you hate taking your car in for service, you can’t stand your in-laws.
But then, you start to feel a tightness in your chest and that gross feeling in the pit of your stomach.
Sure, kvetching with your friends or colleagues makes you feel better in the moment, but why do you still feel so awful afterward? Like you just ate a pint of ice cream with half a can of whipped cream on top?
Complaining and venting serve a purpose in our lives. They help us blow off steam or share a mutual frustration. Both are useful and necessary. In fact, you and I complain somewhere between 15-30 times a day. (Probably more if your mother-in-law is in town.)
There is, however a fine line between complaining and venting, as well as, how frequently you partake in them.
If you were going to do one versus the other: venting is the healthier option. Either can become toxic if you never change the behavior that is frustrating you.
People complain for many reasons: to let out anger or frustration, gain moral support, or even warn others. You may even complain as an ice breaker to start a conversation because our brains are naturally wired toward negativity. There’s a reason your ears perk up during water cooler talk.
