I have been wrestling with the idea of vulnerability quite a while.
As a female business owner, I was told more than once that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness… and I believed it. So up went a wall that kept out the bad and unfortunately the good, as well.
When people told me how strong and courageous I was because I took a huge risk of opening a business, I used that as validation that my tough exterior was working. Expressing my fears, my loneliness, or constant stress seemed like it would ruin my reputation as Strong Successful Businesswoman.
I was gaslit for years through business partners, the Hustle Culture and business classes that a successful business owner knows how to do everything and has all of the answers.
What I Have Never Told You
I have shared “my burnout story” with anyone who will listen – but I left some things out.
I spent most of 2000-2010 scared shitless, wracked with anxiety, and doubtful of nearly everything I did. I only realize now that I isolated myself in those years because spending any amount of time with me would prove how terrified I was every single day. It seemed better to let people believe I was strong and independent, than know my reality was crying almost daily and rarely sleeping.
The second half of that decade was spent sacrificing everything to own and operate a successful pet care business with a group of investors that were more interested in my failures and mistakes than focusing on the solid business I had built.
Did I make mistakes? A lot of them.
Did I also get a lot of things right? Yes.
There were a lot of reasons that aren’t relevant to this post, but after five years, I resigned from the day-to-day management and was ultimately unable to stay as part of the investment partnership.
I had driven myself into the ground trying to do everything right and make everyone happy.
In the end, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. (I understand now that nothing would have made those people happy.)
To say I was devastated is an understatement. I felt like a failure and like I had lost everything.
Losing your business – even if it is just walking away from a successful one like me – felt like I had lost a child. A huge part of me was gone.
I was also severely burned out. (More about this later.)
So, I built a wall of shame around this period of my life.
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The Truth About Vulnerability and Burnout
Vulnerability is actually courageous. It takes courage, patience, and a willingness to show up and be seen when there are no guarantees
Vulnerability is uncertainty, it’s risk, and emotional exposure.
At the time I walked away from the pet care business, I was severely burned out.
This matters because the chronic stress I had experienced for years played a role in the lack of control I felt in my life at that time. Feelings of inadequacy, failure, and disappointment were raging inside of me. The burnout I was experiencing at the time would not allow me the vulnerability necessary to ask for help or accept it.
The burned-out mind considers vulnerability absolutely terrifying and impossible.
Many people who burnout feel as though they have already disappointed others with their inability to manage their stress. It’s likely already shown itself externally through anger, irritability, and a lack of patience. Now you’re going to tell people to give you a break and expose them to this uncontrollable emotional rollercoaster inside of you?
Being vulnerable already means putting aside your fear of rejection, which is something the burned out are desperately trying to avoid.
A Lack of Vulnerability Created More Problems
The shame spiral I was experienced after walking away from that pet care business only exacerbated the shame of burning out.
Being vulnerable meant I was going to have to tell someone about all of this shame. So, I choked it down, buried it, and have spent 13 years trying to ignore the occasional memories that pop up.
Why I think I should have acknowledged this situation “publicly” years ago is because it means that I would have confronted the pain I was feeling. I’ll never know if it may have allowed me to recover faster or if it would been a time-consuming obstacle.
What I can tell you is that I have always felt this undertow that made moving forward with my life a little less fulfilling. Shame steals the opportunity to experience joy, as well as, sucks up energy and time.
I think burnout forces us to bury more feelings and emotions than we realize. The burned out (myself included) are so focused on stress relief and finding balance that they don’t stop to acknowledge the pain it has also caused and the sheer amount of joy that has been missed.
How I Finally Became Vulnerable
Last spring I took a course about vulnerability lead by Andrea Owen. Using Brené Brown’s Daring Way curriculum I explored the depths of vulnerability in the company of a small group.
What I learned is that I am full of shit. Part of being vulnerable is being able to tell yourself the truth. And I was lying my ass off.
In the journal I kept for that course, I wrote:
An area of my life I would like to be more vulnerable is when I share my story of burnout. feel myself trying to project this image of confidence and ‘all-knowing’ coach, when I am still experiencing pain from my period of severe burnout. I gloss over feeling like an epic failure, feelings of weakness, and feelings of incompetence. Deep down I know I need to talk about The Thing That Happened and the profound effect it had on me, but I’m still not sure anyone would care.
I was still having trouble telling myself the truth about that time period and trusting that it was worth telling to myself and to you.
It’s also trusting that now the voices of my worst critics won’t matter to me.
After gaining more appreciation and understanding of the power of vulnerability, I realize that showing up as my authentic self is more important than keeping a shameful secret. I have realized how I have kept myself from experiencing joy and freedom.
My lack of vulnerability stifled my creativity because I was afraid of making mistakes.
I realize it’s time to let that shit go.
