People pleasing was one of the paths that lead me to burnout.
The “old” Jennifer would never have written an email like this spouting her opinion.
She was terrified of sharing what she thought, felt, or liked. She was a stressed out, anxious mess of a person who desperately sought the approval of others and struggled mightily with unrealistic expectations.
I had what I consider an unusual awakening to the destruction that people pleasing had done: I felt like a fraud. I felt like I was lying to everyone because I wasn’t sharing or showing people who I really was.
It’s not that I didn’t care about others, want to help, or be thought of as responsible. It’s that those things came at a cost to me that didn’t seem to burden others and I felt so resentful and angry.
My “A-Ha Moment” came when a business partner gave no thought to leaving for vacation without finishing a project we were both responsible for. After she left, I worked 16-hour days for the next five days to the meet the deadline we both agreed on. When I pointed this out, she responded by saying, “I knew you would take care of it.”
In that moment I realized I had become a professional doormat. My mind was immediately flooded with years’ worth of people pleasing experiences that lead to this moment.
How Does People Pleasing Show Up At Work?
Appropriate professional behavior and limits can be confusing for people pleasers. Conducting yourself in a professional manner means that you are often working toward a common, agreed upon goal that requires everyone to do and say things for the sake of approval, agreement, and moving forward.
For example, you are going to lunch with a group of colleagues. You all offer ideas of where to go. Obviously, everyone needs to agree and approve of the choice. Or, at least, a majority does. Those that don’t like the choice either go for the sake of getting something to eat or they don’t go and starve.
For people pleasers, it’s not about having an opinion about where to eat – it’s about keeping the rest of the group happy and seeming like you are agreeable.
Three Behaviors That Cost People Pleasers Professionally
There are three distinct behaviors that people pleasers struggle with professionally that end up costing them dearly:
Struggle #1: They Can’t Say No
People pleasers have a hard time saying no because they fear disappointment or disapproval of others. They wind up overcommitting and overextending themselves. Which leads to incredible amounts of stress and anxiety.
How this shows up:
- Taking on projects you don’t want to do, don’t have the time or energy to do, or don’t align with your priorities.
- Agreeing to unrealistic deadlines.
- Responding to every request of your time and sacrificing your own work in the process.
- Taking on every project or request that comes your way.
- Attending unnecessary meetings, answering every email or call.
People pleasers want to be team players and take pride in being “yes people.” They believe this translates into being seen as reliable, trustworthy, and respected.
Struggle #2: A Lack of Boundaries
People pleasers usually have no boundaries. There is nothing they wouldn’t do or say to be seen as that person who can always be relied upon, is always ready to step up and help, and is willing to sacrifice their own needs for the benefit of others.
How this shows up:
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- Regularly arriving early and staying late at work.
- Working through lunch.
- Inability to turn off thoughts about work and work priorities during personal time.
- Responding to emails and calls at all hours of the day and night.
- Dropping responsibilities or commitments to your own work to help others with theirs.
To people pleasers, boundaries putting parameters around their time and energy seems selfish.
Struggle #3: Taking Up Space
People pleasers struggle with getting attention. Obviously, they can give out attention just fine. But, when the focus is put on them, they struggle. So they end up taking a backseat to others and their ideas to stay out of the limelight.
How this shows up:
- Hold back sharing ideas in meetings and group settings.
- Afraid to ask for bigger opportunities, raises, and promotions.
- Hold back sharing thoughts or opinions that are different from or challenge others.
- Don’t step up to lead projects or meetings.
- Don’t share their career goals with colleagues or management.
- Take a conservative approach to self-expression by limiting clothing options, mannerisms, or gestures.
People pleasers shrink themselves so they can fit in, not stand out or overpower others, and to keep the peace.
All of these behaviors are deeply rooted in limiting beliefs that people pleasers unknowingly hold. They tie to the reasons they became people pleasers. Things like:
- Low self-esteem
- Avoiding conflict
- Need to be liked by others
- Dissociation with their own feelings and physical clues to those emotions
- Constantly called on to be the caregiver
People Pleasers Operate Out of Fear and It Holds Them Back
People pleasing keeps you in a state of constant reactivity. You are constantly reading situations to gauge what makes them happy. This causes you to lose or never have a sense of connection to your own needs.
They have tied their self-worth to making others happy, so this means they constantly worry about what other people think of them. Existing this way makes them feel safe because they aren’t taking risks.
They have fearful limiting beliefs about their own capability, the validity of their own ideas and opinions, and what constitutes being valued.
What this ends up costing people pleasers is not only their connection to their own needs, but their mental health, burnout, chronic stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion.
These things keep people pleasers stuck professionally because they can’t show up powerfully as themselves. They lack fulfillment in their jobs and lack connection to their work. When you don’t share your creative thinking, show confidence in your ideas and work, step up to lead, or ask for bigger, better opportunities – how could you get anywhere meaningful in your career?
It’s Terrifying Losing the Safety of People Pleasing
The solutions to dropping people pleasing behavior and activities are scary. They involve challenging not only yourself, but others at the same time.
You are stepping out of the shadows and taking a big risk when you say no, enforce your boundaries, or share ideas that are different from the status quo.
I know I worried about ruining relationships, disappointing others, and missing out on opportunities. What if people didn’t like my opinions or who I really am? What if people find me annoying or I am not available when someone needs me the most?
Part of what scared me is that I didn’t feel entitled to take up space or to have my needs met. I was taught to put others first and listen more than I speak. Those lessons translated into me thinking I didn’t deserve raises, promotions, or to be supported.
Rewiring The Mind
Beyond learning to say “no,” how to create and enforce boundaries, and take up space – people pleaser recovery requires that you rewire your mindset. It means you discover who you really are, take ownership of what you think and believe, and show up powerfully for yourself and as yourself.
This is hard work.
Here are 7 tips that I used to rewire my people pleasing mindset:
- Use daily affirmations or reminders to support your mindset. For example: Taking care of me is a priority. I deserve my own time and attention.
- Purposely schedule time for yourself regularly to devote to your own needs.
- Develop the practice of checking in with yourself “in the moment” to help you understand your feelings and how you want to respond in any given situation.
- Before saying “yes” to anything, pause and ask yourself if this is something you want to do, need to do, or have time to do. Is this a person you want to spend time with? Do you have the energy and the mental space to interact?
- Understand that saying “no” is a skill you continue to practice and the guilt associated with it will lessen over time.
- Monitor your inner dialogue and work on keeping it positive.
- Discover how you want the real you to be seen. Know that your opinions and talent have a place in this world.
None of this happened overnight and I didn’t attempt all of these tips at once. But I started with getting to know myself and focusing on priorities that were meaningful to me. I used these priorities to anchor my presence in the world and my responses to others.
I also realized that the discomfort and guilt I felt in saying no and enforcing my boundaries was temporary, but the benefit can last for weeks or months.
