Recently, I attended a dance recital for one of my nieces. Of course, she was adorable. (She is related to me!)
During one of her routines, she made a noticeable error. But she just kept going. After the recital, all she could talk about was how much she loved being on stage performing with her friends. Her favorite part: all the cool make-up she was wearing.
No mention whatsoever of the mistake she made. Not a single one of us mentioned it either.
In that moment, I was incredibly jealous of her ability to let go or ignore a mistake – that was in front of a bunch of people no less. If that had been her Aunt Jennifer on stage, I would have either run off stage crying after screwing up or obsessed about it afterward.
This is one of my many reasons my niece will grow up to be smarter and stronger than her aunt…
I Am A Recovering Perfectionist
Hello, I’m Jennifer and I am a recovering perfectionist. Any of my fellow perfectionists reading this? Go ahead, raise your hand! Boy we can be a salty bunch.
I had no idea was a perfectionist until I received my results of my CliftonStrengths assessment. I identified more as an overachiever, but even that label didn’t feel right. When my assessment revealed that my top natural talents included making good things great, feeling a personal, psychological responsibility to finish what I start, and that mistakes are unacceptable – well, I had some soul searching to do.
There was an amazing lightbulb moment where the self-criticism, people never meeting my standards, me not meeting my standards, and feeling like a deeply flawed person made sense.
Then, things got confusing because…
Society Touts Perfectionism As Something Positive And Desirable
Like so many other women and girls, I grew up surrounded by powerful messages telling me to strive for perfectionism. Being pretty, being the right weight or size, being intelligent, talented, and achieving your goals were all a part of being perfect.
Hearing this feedback when it didn’t match how I felt others perceived me felt like an indictment of my flaws.
Here is the problem with perfectionists: we feel flawed, defective, and that there is something about us that needs to be repaired. We never feel good enough and part of that comes from the phrase “good enough” also feeling like an insult. It is this deficit thinking that drives our perfectionism.
Perfectionism makes us sensitive and vulnerable to setbacks and mistakes that occur all of the time. We see mistakes and failures as a threat to the unrealistic version of who we want to be and who we think we should be.
This is also why perfectionists can’t hear compliments and positive feedback. When you do something well, you aren’t focused on being proud of yourself or your happiness – you are often saying “ Thank goodness. I didn’t screw up.”
Difference Between An High Achiever And A Perfectionist?
Striving to do your best is a good thing. Both achievers and perfectionists set high goals and work hard. That is where their paths go separate ways.
The high achiever is satisfied with doing a good job – even if their goals aren’t completely met. When they fail, they recognize their technique is flawed and are willing to try again.
Whereas a perfectionist, when they fail, they think they are flawed and need to be fixed. They internalize the setback and failure as a reflection of self, and are unable to put things into perspective. They also engage in harsh, punitive self-criticism.
Both personalities and drives are prone to burnout, but the additional emotional component of perfectionism drives them to burnout more often.
Perfectionism Is A Personality Trait With The Highest Burnout Rate
Perfectionists are the most likely to burnout because of the cycle of self-defeat we engage in. We are hyper vigilant about how other people are perceiving us and how we are performing. We end up in a negative cycle of self-defeat, where we are setting higher and higher goals, fail to achieve them, criticize ourselves, and then setting higher goals to compensate.
We also spend a lot of time on details and work that don’t matter. And it’s usually the stuff we already know will work or we do well, neglecting to try new things because we will have to fail in order to build that skill and get better at it. If we don’t try it, we can’t fail at it, right?
This makes it difficult for perfectionists to have creative insight or a fresh approach to problem-solving because they are often repeating the same habits over and over again, trying to stamp out the variation and the errors.
OK, How Do You Stop Driving Yourself Nuts?
One of the most successful strategies I have used to tame my perfectionism is that I changed my relationship with failure and how I feel about making mistakes.
I used to hide my failures and my mistakes by overcompensating with more work, bigger gifts, a larger donation, over-extending myself, or ignoring them. I perceived them as a direct reflection of my intellect or generosity. If I made a mistake, I must stupid. If I failed at doing something, I must not be good enough or not made to do that particular thing. Never mind if it was my first shot at trying a new skill. Even the phrase “I don’t know” was like telling people I was an idiot.
Here’s the deal: mistakes and failures are a necessary and inevitable part of life. Being perfect is impossible and achieving perfection is, as well. This thought has allowed me to let go of a lot of baggage. It means that no one else can be perfect either. Other people make mistakes and fail. So, perfection is a pointless goal to chase. Since I am not chasing it, my experiences in life have become more enriching and meaningful.
Part of changing my relationship with failure and mistakes was also changing some of the relationships I had with people. Once I felt encouraged to share my mistakes or linger in my failures, my relationships with my husband, close friends, and some family members deepened. The honesty and vulnerability allowed me to feel more self-respect, as well as, more respect from others. Removing that barrier allowed more trust to flood into my relationships.
I am also working to build a culture of imperfection around me. I want people to feel like they can fail or make mistakes and I will still respect them. They will want to share theirs with me, rather than hide them. It builds support in both directions. I am aware that my perfectionist tendencies can make others feel like their offer or efforts aren’t good enough. So, I work harder to let others know I appreciate and love them for who they are and what they bring to the table.
When you are ready, I invite you to join me to build a culture of imperfection together. Perfection is kinda boring.
