We all have an inner critic.
I named mine Negative Nancy. When she shows up, I am far too interested in what she has to say. And, I find her nearly impossible to get rid of at times.
Negative Nancy is a mood killer, has nothing nice to say, and causes me a lot of stress. She does a lot of catastrophizing, blaming, and shaming.
Am I the only one who has named their inner critic? (Please tell me no. Please tell me no. Please tell me no.)
Inner dialogue is completely natural. Humans developed an inner voice so we could evaluate our past and prepare for the future. We use it to reason, evaluate, and motivate. We talk to ourselves. And, we listen to what we say.
The problem with our inner voice, however, is that it often turns into a stream of negative thoughts and emotions. A vortex of self-hatred and punishment, that affects our emotions, performance, and decision-making.
Negative self-talk is a particular problem for people experiencing burnout because it can be hard to catch, hard to ignore, and it is part of the reason your burnout cycles go on and on and on and on….
What Is Happening In Self-Talk Land?
A negative inner dialogue happens when we get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts or emotions, which hurts our ability to reason logically, solve problems, or control ourselves. As a result, it can prevent us from finding solutions to our problems or make decisions.
It is any inner dialogue you have with yourself that may limit your ability to believe in yourself and your own abilities. It is any thought that diminishes your ability to make positive changes in your life or the confidence to do so.
When you focus on negative self-talk, you lose motivation and feel helpless. And, you also tend to be more stressed and feel like you lack control because of your altered reality that has created an experience where you think you don’t have the ability to reach your goals.
This stress and a lack of control are cornerstones of burnout.
Negative self-talk leads to a narrowed focus, which distracts you from seeing opportunities or even the motivation to capitalize on them. This means that your heightened stress comes from both the perception negativity brings and the changes in your behavior that come from focusing on it.
Negative Self-Talk Sounds…
Awful. Right? But, we participate anyway!
There are real consequences to allowing your negative self-talk to going unchecked:
- Limited thinking: The more you tell yourself you can’t do something, the more you believe it.
- Perfectionism: You really begin to believe that “great” isn’t as good as “perfect.” You make yourself believe that perfection is attainable. In turn, you are picking about your performance and trying to zero in on what you could have done better.
- Feelings of depression: Some research has shown that negative self-talk can lead to depression.
- Relationship challenges: Constant self-criticism can make you seem needy and insecure. That negativity can turn into other habits that bother people you are close to. You may even begin to hold them to our own unrealistic standards and expectations.
Did you read that list and think: check, check, check, and check?
Let’s fix it.
How many Post-It notes do you have hanging around you reminding you to do something?
You don’t need a reminder to do something nearly as much as you need a reminder that you are doing something great and others will notice.
Do a little experiment with yourself: create a half-dozen Post-It notes (or reminders wherever you track your to do lists) that have positive affirmations on them. It doesn’t have to be something “cheesy,” but something meaningful to you.
“I look nice today.”
“I’ve got this!”
“I know what I’m doing and I know where I want to go.”
“I am so lucky to be me. I am funny, kind, and smart.”
“It’s okay that my dogs control my life.”
These are sample notes I have posted on my desk, my bathroom mirror, and in my car.
What these notes do is disrupt that negative self-talk and remind me that I’m an awesome person.
Research has shown that positive self-talk is a great predictor of success.
The Goal: To Minimize Negative Self-Talk
It’s impossible to get rid of negative self-talk. You can’t just chop off part of your inner dialogue. It’s a package deal. BUT, you can minimize it. Here are five techniques I use to (plus the Post-It trick above!) to minimize my negative self-talk:
- Catch your critic: Learn your triggers and catch your negative self-talk. Notice what you are saying. Is it something you would say to a friend or loved one? If not, practice countering that negative thought by questioning it. Is it really going to ruin your presentation if you messed up a couple of words? Probably not.
- Thoughts and feelings aren’t always reality: Your self-criticism can’t be considered accurate information. Your thoughts can be skewed like everyone else’s. What’s that saying? We’re our own worst critic?
- Give your inner critic a nickname: Whenever your inner critic shows up, you can call her/him out by name. (Re: Negative Nancy.) When you think of your inner critic as a force outside yourself, it becomes less threatening and easier to see how ridiculous some of your critical thoughts can be.
- Write down your negative thoughts: Writing down your negative thoughts in the moment gives you an outlet for that negative energy. Even more important – it gives you perspective. When you see those thoughts written down, you realize they sound too far out to be true.
- Cross-examine your inner critic: One of the most damaging aspects of negative self-talk is that it often goes unchallenged. Next time you catch your negative self-talk, ask yourself some questions. Is this true? Will it really matter? Who else makes mistakes? The vast majority of our negative self-talk is an exaggeration. Call. It. Out.
This isn’t going to change overnight. But set yourself up for success by using my Post-It Note/reminder trick to keep these techniques in front of you, too. In the heat of the moment, we tend to forget we have a solution to a problem.
