Why can’t I just stop doing the things that are burning me out?
This question punched me in the gut and I have been thinking about it for several days. Part of what kept this top of mind is that I still work on managing the behaviors and mindset that lead me to burnout more than 10 years ago.
I’ll tell you first about my behaviors and mindset that lead to my burnout, because I think it will help you understand why none of us can “just stop” doing the things that burn us out.
I Am A Recovering Perfectionist/High Responsibility/People Pleaser
I was not easy to live with and I still have my days.
Everyday was an emotional roller coaster of deep responsibility to my work, to the people around me, to the things I said I would do, and even to the work I said I wouldn’t do.
On paper, I was your dream leader and employee: I could be relied on to follow through, I kept my word and I met deadlines. I was also driven and tirelessly committed.
BUT, I had a sense of responsibility that over-functioned, which lead me to consistently put work before taking care of myself. I experienced a vicious cycle of guilt that sabotaged any kind of break, day off, or vacation I tried to take.
To further annoy myself, every project, every task felt like it came with the utmost urgency that required my detailed oversight. I never felt like I could step away. Inside I was exhausted both emotionally and mentally.
Breaks Made Me Nervous
Taking breaks literally made me more nervous and anxious. I always wondered who those people were that could take 15 minutes to walk around the block. Did I mention this is how I got into running in my 20s? I knew I needed to get up from my desk, but was in such a hurry to return. What did I miss? What did I miss?
Then, there was the guilt and feeling lazy for taking “me time.” That was 15 minutes I could have been helping someone else or knocking out a task.
Which Leads Me To My Answering The Question: Why Can’t You Just Stop Doing The Things That Are Burning You Out?
Because we are human, we have emotions, we are influenced by the people around us. And, because we work in a society that thinks breaks are for losers.
In order for us to stop certain behaviors, we have to have:
- An awareness that unwanted behavior is happening.
- A desire to change the unwanted behavior.
- The tools to change the unwanted behavior.
- An ability to change our mindset around the unwanted behavior.
I believe most of us struggle to detach from the work that burns us out because there is an emotional component that keeps us invested. There is someone or something that is keeping us attached, even when we are desperate to let go.
When we try to separate ourselves, we go too fast without considering all of the rewards and consequences of moving away from what is stressing us out. This helps fuel that vicious cycle I referred to earlier that sabotages our efforts.
I’ll Use Myself And My Inability To Take Breaks As An Example
Weirdly, when you rush into relaxation, it can be a shock to your sensitive nervous system. You’ve gone from totally amped up to a screeching halt, and your body experiences withdrawal.
Your brain has come to rely on those stress chemicals to get things done, so when that “drug” disappears, you feel all sorts of uncomfortable emotions like anxiety, panic, and fatigue.
I had to focus on a couple of things to start taking breaks:
- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
- Change my mindset through self-talk
- Swap the term “rest” for “recovery”
Believe me, I felt ridiculous for having to work at taking a break. It seemed so… weird.
However, I had to unlearn some behavior and habits and replace them with new ones. When I began talking to myself that way, I became less critical and more excited to make a change.
The first thing I did was swapped the terminology. Instead of saying “rest,” I am going to recover. The word recovery seemed more purposeful and active.
Then, I worked on my self-talk. Instead of saying that resting is lazy, I reminded myself that “My brain deserves a break for all of its hard work.” Or that “It would be nice to chill with a beverage and actually taste it.”
Finally, I really allowed myself to feel my discomfort. Whenever I began to feel anxious, I sat with it and asked myself what I was really missing out on (usually nothing) or wrote out a list of things normal people do when they take breaks.
You May Not Be Able To Stop Because You Aren’t Prepared
If you are prepared, you won’t feel as though something is missing or be as nervous that you are missing out because you have something new to focus on. Here are six things to do to prep yourself to cut the cord. You don’t need to do all six, but pick out a few that resonate:
- Think about your team: If you are a leader, consider what expectations or norms you could be cultivating by not stopping stressful behavior. You could be setting the example that a negative attitude is acceptable or that pushing through is healthy. If you’re not a leader, consider you may be doing your teammates a disservice by hanging on. Making room for a fresh perspective might be better for them in the long-run.
- Take it slow: Don’t rush into change. What steps do you need to take to prepare yourself for your own response? For the response of others? Maybe you start by pulling back on hours, stop volunteering for projects, or making yourself so available. Look for little adjustments that you can make to get used to change.
- Separate your feelings from your identity: Expect some guilt. You may be saying no more often or not contributing as often, which might make you feel guilty as you pull away from the work you no longer want to do. Recognize, though, this is an old, outdated reaction and you are working to rewire yourself for your next move.
- Ditch the scarcity mindset: When was the last time you stopped to congratulate yourself on all you have accomplished? Instead of thinking about what you haven’t done, think about all that you contributed, changed, and/or accomplished.
- Create friction: Make it harder to do the thing that is burning you out. If the thing that is burning you out is working extra hours after close, put up some barriers. Log off of your computer and shut it down, put your computer in a different room or leave it at work, or delete email or other work-related apps from your phone.
- Set expectations and have contingencies: This one goes out to all of you who have jobs that require you to be on call or available for emergencies. Establish clear working hours and escalation plans with your team that outlines how to reach you, specifically under what circumstances, and give them decision-making power in your absence. For example, you might say, “Going forward, I’ll be unavailable after 7p.m.. If you need me after that time, please send me an email. If it’s urgent (which is defined by XYZ) then please text me.”
Most Importantly:
Give yourself some grace. You and I are creatures of habit. We aren’t going to change in an hour or overnight.
