When I was burned out, I was ashamed. I was ashamed for a lot of reasons, but the stand-outs were feeling like I had failed at being able to handle my job as a business owner, no one else seemed to be exhausted by trying to keep up, and everything seemed to make me angry and resentful.
For those that have not heard my burnout story, I approached another business owner I trusted at the time when I felt like something was wrong. Their response was part of what started my shame spiral. They said, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but don’t talk about this with anyone else. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, you are a success, everything is rockin’ and rollin’. Your employees love you and your business is making money. Any whiff of problems and people will run.”
It would take me two more years to figure out that what I was actually experiencing was burnout.
After this conversation and an inability to find any information to validate the way I was feeling, I went into hiding with my feelings. I put the smile back on my face, even though it was killing me inside.
(In this person’s defense, this conversation occurred back in 2010. Burnout was not “a thing” and the Hustle Culture was the only culture to subscribe to if you were a serious entrepreneur.)
I Had No Meaningful Way to Deal With Stress
By the time I understood I was in full burnout, my mind and body were giving up on me due to the extreme amount of stress I exposed myself to day-in-and-day-out. I was not handling stress mentally or physically.
But, I was too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on.
The people I had surrounded myself with weren’t terrible or insensitive people, but they were successful and seemed to have their lives together. If they were ever stressed out, it was only temporary. They didn’t seem to ruminate on problems or allow a bad moment or day to ruin their dinner out with friends.
So why did I have to go hide in my bed with my dogs whenever I was irritated by my day? Why couldn’t I stop ruminating about an employee or client problem?
Why couldn’t I let go and handle stress like a “normal” person?
Turns out, I:
- Never learned how to manage my stress meaningfully
- Had mindset issues that lead me to believe in unrealistic expectations and standards that created a lot of stress and unhappiness
- Didn’t develop a support system that could help me understand how to run my business and learn how to say no.
I Made Connections To My Burnout
I didn’t have much professional help to recover from burnout. It just wasn’t available at the time. Once I understood the roles stress and mindset played in my life, I began to uncover more effective solutions that helped me avoid stress and manage it when I couldn’t.
Somewhere along the way, my shame around my burnout diminished. I also decided I would be more vocal about it and begin to create resources for others. It didn’t take long to find there were many other people feeling the same way – they just didn’t have the language to describe it.
Are You Feeling Shame?
Burnout carries a stigma. So many of us feel like we failed somehow. We didn’t because failure has nothing to do with burnout. We also tend to feel isolated and invalidated by our surroundings.
The feelings of failure, isolation, and invalidation come up because of our own perception of our performance. Many of us feel as though we have nothing left to give or we don’t see other people suffering in a similar manner. So, of course, our inner dialogue develops a story that we never verify.
Where Is The Root of Your Burnout?
Because burnout is so misunderstood, this is why I am adamant that you figure out the root cause of your burnout. You are so ashamed of burning out, it’s natural you want to blame someone or something else.
When people come to me for coaching, they have their fingers pointed at others, blaming everyone else’s behavior and beliefs for their own stress. Are they part of it? Yes. Are they all of it? No.
As you start looking for the root, you usually find it’s not really the job, your annoying boss or coworker, or even a lack of appreciation. There is something more to the emptiness and feelings of being trapped that you are wrestling with.
You find that the root, the emptiness, feeling trapped often come from what you believe about yourself, your natural talents, or how you believe the world should operate.
- You’re doing a job that doesn’t call to your natural talents or interests
- You have unrealistic expectations about what is expected of you
- You are a perfectionist or a people pleaser
- You haven’t built a support group of people around you
- You don’t really know what you want to do with yourself or your life – but what you’re currently doing isn’t it.
These are just some of the things that have come up for myself and many of the people I have coached.
The Root Relates to Your Feelings Of Shame, Too
The root cause of my burnout was having unrealistic expectations about what was expected of me. I always felt as though I needed to over-deliver in order for others to be happy with my performance.
I noticed the shame I felt about my burnout was tied into this. I was ashamed that I didn’t want to keep doing things to make others happy – that I wanted to do be doing things to make myself happy. If I wasn’t going to do those things, then I was going to fail at my job. My business was going to fail. People wouldn’t like me anymore.
These were all perceptions. They weren’t the truth.
I can remember telling a client that noticed a change in me as I was recovering. She asked what I was doing differently. Without thinking about my answer, I said, “I’ve stopped considering what would make other people happy and have started thinking about myself and my business more.”
My face turned into the color of a bright red tomato. And, I started to sweat. I braced myself for a negative reaction. I shouldn’t tell people the truth, I thought. Crap.
“Good for you! I was wondering when you were going to start telling me no,” my client responded and she gave me a hug. She looked me directly in the eyes and told me to keep doing it because it was working.
She was right.
Her comment was one of many things that validated by progress and helped me stop being so fearful of other people’s reactions. I don’t have any control over what other people are going to say, think, or feel.
No Shame Here
It’s important to me that if you are experiencing burnout on any level, you understand it isn’t something to be ashamed of. If anyone should feel bad, it should be the people that set you up with unrealistic expectations or encouraged behavior that would lead you to burnout.
I also want you to know you can recover. How or how long is up to you. All of our burnout and recovery experiences are unique.
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